Confession: I used to be ashamed to think I need walking stick when I am still in my early 30s. For years I try not to use it and just endure the pain.
The shame is somewhat still there but over time I begin to learn to accept this who I am and I do need it. I need to put ego aside and focus on my health and well being.
To be honest the shame I am having is not the thought of being disabled, because I am not - I somewhat think I am being overdramatic with the walking stick usage. I can't help but to think the pain I'm suffering is actually normal and everyone just endure it. I am also can't help but to feel shame to think I am having so many physical health issues at young age. I had been constantly being teased as an "old woman" due to this.
I'm trying to remind myself that everyone is different; not everyone suffering physical pain at my age and everyone have different level of pain tolerance. I'm trying to remind myself that my pain is valid and I am allowed to use anything to make my life better, and in this case is the mobility aids, my walking stick.
Recently I've done my duty to my country by going out to vote for our 15th General Election. The staffs are helpful and friendly. When they saw me with walking stick they approached me and voiced their concerns ("Miss young going to stand long for the queue, can you stand for long?"). They actually offered prioritise lane due to my condition but because on that day my leg is only wobbly instead of painful, I declined. But I let them know if I'm start to feel the pain then I might take the offer (ended up no need to).
One of the candidates come over to greet us and even he asked why I didn't take the priority lane. I make sure he knows the staff had offered the priority lane and I declined it. Later when I entered the voting room even the staffs there were horrified that I wasn't given the priority lane and again I had to explained that I had received the offer but declined it.
I am touched and thanked everyone for the inclusion.
I really hope I can end the story in high, good note but the reality is not like that. Few hours later I begin to suffer leg pain followed by back pain. It really made me think maybe I should had taken up the offer.
One of the reasons I hesitate to take up the offer is because I am officially not a disabled person (not qualified to be registered as one) my condition is very unpredictable;
one day I can walk normal without any aids,
one day I can walk but with a bit of limp but can manage without the help of mobility aids,
one day I can walk but with severe limp but still can manage without the help of mobility aids - and - then there will days I need to use mobility aids.
I was afraid if people sees me in those days where I appeared normal. The last thing I wanted they think I lied of my condition during the general election to get prioritised and how can I blame them? Invisible illness is hard to prove and sadly there's too many people pretend to suffer one (or two or more) just to get attentions and benefits.
These pathetic people unfortunately causing real sufferers to suffer.
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