I always takes pride that I never allow the society to influence my life decisions. I'm also lucky to have understanding parents who didn't pressure me to get married or having kids.
With Corona rampaging, I spent more and more time on the social media. I begin to realised most of my friends are married and already started a family. For the first time in my life I somehow started to feel like I'm missing out in life. Missing out big time.
I used to find some headlines on topics of couples to be cute; like the one who married the girl he meet and proposed when he they were 3, couples who meet at highschool (or university) and happily married to this day, couples who starts family before 30, etc, etc.
I used to think I would be one of them. After all I meet my former partner before we both turned 20. I was hoping we would overcome the so-call "college/university love" where our relationship goes beyond our study time, get married and maybe starts a family.
Alas none of them happened.
Recently I started to felt many resentments. By right I should be married in 2019, just before I turn 30. I had always wanted to to get married. I remember as a kid I happily said "I want to get married at 18! Just like mum!" - before mum pulled me away and candidly whispered, "Not too young, you better enjoy your life first" 🤣🤣🤣 By now she she often joke, "You've been enjoying waaay to much!". I didn't find the joke harsh, it's the truth; I was indeed been enjoying my non-marriage life way too much!
Looking back at the listing earlier, I was deeply upset; I could had achieved many things; meet a guy at 20 and married that guy, married before 30, 'university love' lasted after study thus proving my relationship is not 'just a phase'. Now that I am 32, and currently in a new relationship, it's obvious I failed to achieve any of these. To be honest I never felt being a failure. I hardly felt a failure, but for once I do feel one. Now this made me think. While I'm 'wailing' over this matter, not even once my former partner came across my mind. I didn't even get angry with him regarding this matter - I'm more angry I failed to achieve all lists mentioned. This really made me think. Did I stayed in the relationship for wrong reasons? Did I truly love my former partner? Or even my current one? Or did I stayed because of my ego and pride? For achievements?
Not long after broke up, my mum and I have many heart-to-heart talks. One time mum suggested my relationship may didn't work because I might had enjoyed my former partner's wealth than actually loves him. I protested, as when I first meet him in our first 2 years of relationship, I was unaware he is very wealthy; he often dressed in worn out, even torn t-shirts, shoes and underwears - that I sometimes throws them away and buy him (or made him buy himself) new ones. Without missing a beat, mum added, while it's true at the start, but as time goes by my perspective might change.
This hit me a bit hard. She wasn't that wrong; a decade relationship with him I enjoyed many luxurious holidays and showered with luxurious gifts. Heck after the breakup some of our close friends joked I should had waited Nintendo Switch to be out before breaking up with him because I most likely will get one as birthday gift. I do admit his wealth may have play the role of our happy relationship, but I still believe I genuinely loves him.
Well, used to at least.
Now with my current relationship. Again the same question haunting me; did I stay with my current one with the wrong reasons too? Unlike my former partner, my current one have many demons, scars and insecurities - just like me. Unlike my former partner who had been solely taking care of me, with him I realised we need to take care of each other - we both are pretty fragile creatures. Doesn't sounds ideal, and yet here I am with him. I love him. Or am I? Reasons still unknown even to me, I felt in love when I meet him. Well not initially, but eventually I warmed up to him. Again I don't know why. And this is the opposite of my experience with my former partner; it was love at the first sight for me and I chased him for months before he recuperate my feelings. But here, while he didn't chase me as dramatic as I did with my former partner, he's the one take the initiative to approach me and asked me out. I begin to understand why my former partner was so infatuate with me - there's nothing feels great than feeling wanted and loved. Now I recalled despite I chased my former partner, it was him the first one to say "I Love You". Maybe that's why with my current relationship I'm the first one to say it. Although I'm yet to receive return from it.
So back to the main question; why am I still in this relationship? The fact now we are in long distance relationship due to Corona, the fact now we hadn't see each other for more than a year, the fact we both have demons and insecurities, the fact we both are fragile. I take pride for not giving up easily, thus why my previous relationship lasted for 10 years. My former partner was far from perfect, we fought a lot, we broke up 3 times. And yet we learn to accept each other flaws (or tolerate them) and we adjusted our lives to each other needs. And now I'm doing the same thing. After all, relationship is about compromising. Back to my current one, he once told me an officemate predicted our relationship won't work. This fueled up my desire to prove him, or anyone doubt us wrong. Just like how I previously proved everyone wrong that my relationship wasn't a phase and goes beyond after study times. Another part of me also wants to prove I'm a better and understanding partner. However as time goes by it doesn't seemed the case; I was proven to be demanding, needing and downright selfish. I had never realised how much my former partner spoiled me with attentions and fulfilled my neediness. I do aware, many couples pointed it out but I just never realised how major the role it was. My current partner do appreciate his own space (but to be fair we are currently in ldr and are not physically together. I do hope things are different and he can be with me when we finally be able to be together, physically). Now with all the points mentioned, my concerns rise again, did I stayed with my current relationship because I truly love him? or did I stayed because I want to prove people around us wrong? Because of my pride? Because I always said I don't give up easily and I will be a better partner? Is it because really of them?
Or are they're just reasons I conjured to make me stay in the relationship?
Is it healthy to do so?
Another thing shows how time can change people. For those who knows me knows ow much I hate the idea of having kids. I wasn't like that at first, I do want to have kids, but after my mental illness diagnosis in 2015, everything changed; I lost the desire to have children as I concern my mental health may effected my children. My former partner have same views and he felt having kids are big responsibilities and expensive. After all in Asia you don't stop taking care the kids until they get married, ad most children did not move out from the house until they're married. Educations even to university all under our care.
Because of these, we both happily living knowing we might not have kids. We also agreed the current world is too dangerous and unhealthy to bring kids to the world. But now, I really want to have kids.
One of the first thing my current partner told me (or more accurate, hinting) that he wants to have kids. I was concerned, worried as I don't want to have one. I felt bad for him, but my partner is very respectful and understanding; he said he won't force me if I did not wish to have one. I am touched by his consideration. As time goes by however, I begin to find myself wanting kids. With him specifically. I really want to have kids with my partner.
I'm not sure with my sudden change of heart. Was it caused by biological clock? Was it because I had always wanted one but because my former partner encouraged me not to have one so the desired remained buried? But with my current partner he brought the desire back. Is his kindness n consideration warmed me up? Or all the combos combined?
Recently I randomly up a status in my FB - I want to get married #suddenly. While I may wrote it as a whimsical status (the obvious hashtag), but the truth is I do mean it. I really want to get married. I really want to move to new stage of life. I still take pride that my strong desires to get married and have kids are on my own. Yes I do get "pestered", being asked when I'm going to get married or have kids by inconsiderate (probably low IQ) people, but they didn't pushed me at all. All my desires are my own, I want them for my own satisfaction, NOT to satisfy or to reduce the croaking of parents, relatives and unemployed gossip grandmothers. Basically people who make all the fuss but never going to offer any financial aid with my wedding or with rising kids. With all being said, I somehow can hear my partner's voice, telling me I'm overthinking again and all my desires are completely normal.
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