Within a week in 2018 there's been 3 suicides of rich and famous people; starting with Kate Spade, followed by Anthony Bourdain, and just few hours ago Inés Zorreguieta, the younger sister of Queen Maxima of Holland.
Many were confused; why would someone rich and successful, who still is on the top of their game would kill themself?
Well, let me talk to you about depression. Depression is unbiased; any gender, race, age, and wealth can suffer depression.
For starters, I know too well about depression. This is going to be my biggest confession. I'm suffering Bipolar Disorder Type 3. I'm currently in need of regular medication and require an appointment with a psychiatrist every 3 months (used to be monthly but now reduced frequency since I've shown improvement)
I was undiagnosed until 2014, and most of my life until then was kind of a wreck. I tried to commit suicide 7 times, and my first attempt when I was 10. The final attempt (for now) was in 2014; that was a breaking point for my boyfriend, who gathered almost all of his savings and searched for a psychiatrist. That was the day I was confirmed to suffering from bipolar disorder. Months before the 7th attempt, I accidentally stumbled upon an article regarding mental illness. Almost immediately I began to suspect I'm actually suffering bipolar. I confided this to my boyfriend and we began to do more research. I eventually told my parents but they had different ideas; my mum thought I was making things up, while my father thinks I can just fight it mentally. It was devastating at that time.
Eventually my boyfriend decided to help me. He did further research, use his savings and took me to the psychiatrist he deemed the best in Malaysia.
After the official diagnosis my parents finally took my situation seriously. I still remember my mother nearly fainted with the news. However, with this diagnosis, a lot of things started to make sense and my relationship with my family improved greatly as they began to better understand my situation; I on the other hand had better control with my emotions.
Now let's talk about depression. How does it feel? And how does it go for someone who at one moment can have extreme happiness, then the next moment down to extreme sadness.
Let me make clear one thing. I WANT TO LIVE. There's so many things I want to do in this life. There's so many things to explore. I have a loving and supportive family. I have an understanding and loving boyfriend. I have great friends.
But then, there will be times I just wanted to die. At times it can be triggered by negative emotions, from something as "simple" as failing to perform at tasks, whether it's a work related or personal project to something big like car accident or a death of another person. But the scariest of all, when you suddenly become depress for no reason. Some may argue there's an unseen stress, some may argue it was triggered by physical stress, some may argue it is indeed by no reason. I have no idea. I can't tell. All are possible. In fact, it be a combination of all of them.
Then there's a thing where people saying about reaching out. As I shared a post earlier, when you suffering depression, you most likely going to be numb. Numb. Just numb. To everything. To your surrounding, to the people around you, and even to your own emotion. Usually during that time there's a small, but dangerous voice in your head, telling you that "no one can help you", "nobody really cares", "nobody understands you", "if you die nobody give a damn". Given this, it comes as no surprise there will be no reaching out. Sad but true.
And there's religion issues. To begin with, remember what I said earlier, by this time your emotion already numb. There's no logical thinking in your head already, and so does faith. People may say it's a lack of faith, but please remember, depression is a mental illness NOT mental weakness. When it comes to illness, there's always an explanation scientifically. For my case is chemical imbalance. Yes, faith may help me in a sense of meditation to ease me going through the rough time, but it will not magically just heal me from my chemical imbalance. Medical intervention is needed.
Then we have this, a smile behind depression. It worked 3 ways. One, you're in the middle of depression but trying to be as normal as possible. You try to blend in and hope with it the depression will go away. You do it so naturally that nobody realizes your inner turmoil. Two, the same as first one but once you're in the crowd, your depression temporarily disappears as you start socializing. Once the socializing session is over, you back with your inner turmoil. And finally the last one; probably the worst one in my opinion: You're truly fine. But the socializing causes you to realize some of the missing things in your life; relationships, luxuries, friendship, etc. From there, the depression creeps in. As I pointed out earlier, some of the triggering factors can be something "simple" (like not having a good dress as your friends), to something "bigger" (continuously having failed relationships while your friends thriving).
The major thing that I can say about what depression does to you is that it exaggerates your negative emotions. It weighs more on your negativity than positivity. Which is why some people who seemingly has everything ends up killing themselves. Sadly depression lets the minor negative elements wins over the bigger positive elements they have in their lives.
Finally there's the social stigma. Most, including me for years kept this condition hidden. Too many people still understand too little about mental illness. The moment you were "branded" with mental illness they immediately think you're crazy, incapable of functioning normally. Then whenever you have an emotional outburst or turmoil, people immediately assume it was caused by your mental illness, when it could had just be a normal emotional reaction. At this point, of course there will no reaching out too.
Sad, but true...