To some, being diagnosed with mental illness means the end of the world to them. But to me it was the opposite. That's when my life begins.
Growing up I knew something was not right with me; I know I have the tendency to blurt out inappropriate things or words and sometimes even touch at inappropriate times (luckily not at inappropriate places!). I also noticed at times I can become obsessed with certain things (numbers, foods, tv shows, etc, etc,) and even people to the point of being unhealthy. Naturally I can understand if some people find me annoying or even insufferable.
I kow something is wrong with me but I don't know what to do about it.
This is one of the reasons I prefer to be in isolation or try not to get attached to anyone. I have fear. I fear once I become too attached to them which in turn made me feel more comfortable to be myself that in turn made them feeling uncomfortable instead. I believe they would leave me. I fear the pain of being left.
Over the years I somehow managed to gain some lifelong friends and even a faithful (now ex) bf who stuck with me despite my mood swings and (at times violent) tantrums.
I feel blessed.
Then somewhere in 2014, when I was two years into the working world, I discovered KPop and one of the first bands I like is (now disbanded) MBLAQ. As I get invested into them I read a lot about them, their info, interviews and this is when I learnt something about one of the member, Lee Joon: MBLAQ's Lee Joon showed up for an interview with Newsen having only slept for 40 minutes out of the entire day. When told that he looked tired, he nonchalantly replied, "It's fine, I'm used to such a lifestyle." Is there any other idol as busy as he is? Busily preparing for MBLAQ's new album, filming for KBS 2TV's "Jungle Fish 2," working on variety programs - it seems like even 10 bodies won't be enough to complete Lee Joon's hectic schedule. Lee Joon previously showed glimpses of his fatigue while appearing on an Mnet program and dozed off while on the show. Viewers began wondering whether he wasn't putting in enough effort into the show, and said it was right for him to have lost his admission to Seoul University. Regarding this issue, Lee Joon stated that he felt regretful, but he had a reason. He clarified, "I had no time to rest during that period. I knew that I had to study, but I couldn't. I have a severe bipolar disorder, and people only saw what was broadcasted on TV. They don't see the effort behind the screen, such as the late-night rehearsals. No matter how hard I tried, my body just couldn't keep up with me, so it was very upsetting." Despite the physical and mental stress, Lee Joon continues to work hard in improving himself and achieving satisfaction in his work. "Acting is so fun. I have to work harder on it, but it's hard to pay too much attention to it when I also have album promotions to do. While on break from the drama, I'd go film for a variety program, and then record for MBLAQ's album during the 30-minute breaks. I wanted to do at least one thing properly, but I was never satisfied with what I put out." Despite having to work under such harsh conditions, Lee Joon stated that he was doing the best he could, and as joyfully as he could. "I've suffered from insomnia before my debut. It was fixed for a bit due to the fatigue after our debut, but it has come back recently. I haven't slept for two days today and went for my script reading. It's fun, so it's all right. I don't think I'll be appearing on variety programs as often. I'll be working hard on my drama and making sure our new album is of high quality." Source + Photo: Newsen Tip: leejoonwifey
MBLAQ: Thunder, Mir (the maknae), Seong-Ho, G.O (my bias by the way) and Lee Joon.
I was invested. I was invested in everything Lee Joon had to say about his struggles. They all sound too familiar. They all sound like....mine.
I began to spend time reading and understanding bipolar disorder. The more I studied about them the more things in my life began to make sense. I confided this to my bf and we agreed to talk about this matter to my parents.
Unfortunately things didn't go as smoothly as I expected. Mum didn't believe me at all; she thinks I am being dramatic and exaggerating (made up the whole thing - we'll get to that later. While my dad believed me instantly, he didn't think I needed to go see a psychiatrist and I could fight it with sheer power alone.
I was devastated. Several weeks afterwards I suffered another mental breakdown from work stress and attempted my seventh suicide attempt. I cried to him, telling him I did not want to die and that pushed him to determine to find me the best psychiatrist in Malaysia.
After we narrowed down to three options we finally found the one. He paid for everything. For this and all the things he had helped me in the past (including enduring my mood swings and violent tantrums), I will forever be grateful to him even tho we are now separated (and it had nothing to do with my bipolar disorder).
I spent almost two hours in my first session. I cried a lot. I somehow managed to open up to the psychiatrist. Despite believing I am suffering from bipolar, I feigned ignorance; I simply told her I feel something is wrong with me and that I need help.
I have few reasons for feigning ignorance; 1) I did not wish to feed the psychiatrist anything 2) Assuming even after I fed her my suspicions and she still properly diagnosed me, I somehow will live with doubt, wondering if she properly diagnosed me or if she just used all the info I had fed her.
She then diagnosed me with bipolar disorder - just as I suspected.
I felt liberated.
For the first time I finally know the root of all the problems I had been having for years.
For the first time I feel like my life is finally under my control.
For the first time I feel I know what to do with my life.
Why? Because the problem is no longer a problem once you know the problem.
Now that I know I am suffering from bipolar, I will learn more how to fight against it.
I will learn not to let my mood swings out of control again.
I will learn how to co-exist with it.
Most importantly I will not let it take my life away.
Once I had my medications, the bill receipt and some notes from the psychiatrist, I mustered the courage to tell my parents everything - and mum took the hardest. I can remember the shock look of disbelief on her face, dad accepted I do need help after all.
Life after that has been a lot easier for me. Mum took the liberty to understand bipolar and together with my dad had been my biggest supporter and strong support system to help me fight my bipolar.
Important thing to address, according to mum, she noticed something was wrong with me when I was little, but dad insisted I am normal so overtime it ingrained strongly in mum that I am actually fine and normal, most likely having a phase.
My friends also become more understanding (not that they haven't from the start) but most importantly I have better control of my mood swings. I believe I have become a better daughter, friend and gf to everyone that cares for me.
The day I received my bipolar diagnosis really changed my life. I am no longer in the dark place; lamenting what is wrong with me. I no longer try to hide myself from people because now I know better how to act appropriately around them. I now stopped having random tantrums as I try to control my emotions as I am now aware they're caused by bipolar.
I might not be as normal as most people without mental illness but at least now I have everything under better control. For once I feel I am a normal, functioning human being, not someone broken, confused, angry and lost. Yes, I now have my life under my own control.
The day I received my bipolar diagnosis is the day I feel I am reborn to be a better, functioning human being.