I Would Do All Over Again

"If I could turn back the time, even when I already know the outcome, I would do all over again" - I won't lie. I teared up when I heard that.

That's what my former partner told me in our most recent conversation. Remember I had said countless time in my previous blogs? That my former partner no longer made me cry? When I guess for this short moment it become untrue. This. What he said here truly moved me.

The truth is, I went to have a conversation with him is because I am ready to make my next move in my life; to finally slowly and even maybe to finally stop having any communication with him. No, not because I have a fall out with him or I'm starting to feel resentment with him. Hardly any of that. But because I'm genuinely thinking of my future. My future with my current partner.

Recently as our friends planning to do montage videos for our friends' birthdays (my former partner included), I went to find his photos in FB. As I scroll down looking for nice photos of him, I begin to realised most of his photos have me inside, candidly taken or we pose of the camera, and all have one thing in common - we both looked happy. We both genuinely looked happy with each others' companion. We smiled, we laughed, we acted silly. I had always know why I love my former partner so much but seeing these photos reignited everything. I do feel I could fall in with him love all over again...

No this is not good, I muttered to myself. My former partner and I are in the past. Everything in the past. We know there's nothing we can do to change the fact. I'm starting to think my partner may have all the right reason to felt uncomfortable with my former partner; call it guy's instinct but he may sense I might still in love with my former partner, despite my denial. And this is not right. This is very unhealthy. So I spoke to my former partner and although this saddened him but we agree this would be the best for all of us - especially him who had still remained single since our breaking up. My partner may be right that I actually haven't let go of my former partner. I need to let go so my partner would feel more comfortable and more secured with our relationship. What's the point being in a relationship if it just fills with insecurities? It's time to bid a gentle goodbye. While I'm struggling with my new partner but I need to remind myself that I'm starting everything from scratch again and it will never be easy. As he had pointed out before I may have expecting too much from him; a 10 years level relationship from someone who just started. I never thought I would struggle this hard but here I am, struggling. Struggling at times he is disinterested with my passions, something I know I can talk and expressed freely with my former partner. I need to stop finding my former partner for a chit chat when my partner is disinterested with my passions. It's a constant struggle. And to be fair on his part, he never try to talk anything he knows I might not be interested. But the thing is, the great joy for me is to listen my partner talk of his passions, and I genuinely become interested with the things he's sharing with me.

But I don't get the same treatment from him. But I shouldn't be upset or comparing either since he never force me to.

My partner sometimes suggested I may need to find someone else but for what? I know the struggle going to be the same and by now (I know this sounds cheesy but) I had invested my heart to him. I'm not sure if I feel ready to start a third one, even when people said third's time the charm. No I have no plan to go for a third. I'm staying. And I hope I can overcome this. I pray I can overcome this.