In recent years I started feeling troubled about some youths casually commenting on bipolar disorder, or claiming that they're bipolar, oftentimes when it's blatantly obvious that they're in the middle of some self-manufactured 'drama'.
Casually making such remarks while they're actually perfectly normal for the sake of gaining sympathy or attention doesn't sit well with me - because this kind of irresponsible, offhand attitude causing true sufferers like me to not being taken seriously and unfortunately for us, the consequences might be dire.
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder, previously known as manic depression, is a mental disorder characterized by periods of depression and abnormally elevated moods. If the elevated mood is severe or associated with psychosis, it is called mania; if it is less severe, it is called hypomania. During mania, an individual behaves or feels abnormally energetic, happy, or irritable. Individuals often make impulsive decisions with little regard for the consequences.
- Source Wikipedia.
It's No Joking Matter
While I honestly can take bipolar-related jokes, especially when most of them are on point (example Vinheteiro's 13 types of pianists video), unfortunately hidden beneath is this troubling underlying issues. The truth is that I find it hard to properly communicate or form bonds with others due to my constantly changing mood (sometimes within minutes) which unsurprisingly cause others to find me either annoying or downright weird.
The problem lies with my train of thought; even though I may be able to properly strike up a conversation, my thoughts and concentration will end up straying elsewhere. Sometimes hearing or seeing specific things may trigger a long train of thought which eventually derail off the original topic.
For example;
- during a conversation someone casually brings out a toffee
- the toffee makes me think of its color combinations
- the combination I thought of was yellowish and brownish strip chocolate
- it makes me think of Gryffindor
- now my thoughts center on the Harry Potter universe
- then to Battle of Hogwarts
- finally Neville Longbottom character
- which I think it's cool he is the one slaying Nagini instead of Harry
Then I might randomly starting a topic about Neville and people around me will think it came out of nowhere.
So far I've explained about how some exterior factor(s) could be triggering the emotions or my train of thought, but there another problematic side to this: when there's nothing to trigger the emotional roller coaster.
So how is it possible? Honestly, I don't know.
I can randomly wake up one morning just feeling miserable and worthless; that no one will miss me if I gone or the fact I'm better off dead than continuing to live.
I can just be sitting down and enjoying my evening drink, after a fun and lovely conversation with friends earlier, only to be suddenly hit by a pang of worthlessness or miserable emotions. I can literally be laughing with someone at one moment and suddenly feel sad the next; as a consequence, negative thoughts such the possibility losing the friendship comes along.
These roller coaster of emotions in turn causes another big issue - ANXIETY. While I enjoy exploring new things, new surroundings, especially when involving people will cause me to suffer from anxiety. Usually they're relatively minor and I can easily brush them off, however, when it involves people that I either admire or love, my anxiety can be crippling.
I know that expressing my insecurities will help alleviate my anxiety, but over time I've come to realize that the anxious feelings tend to return, starting the cycle anew, and it's no surprise that those around me can get tired of listening to me crying or complaining the same thing repeatedly. So far only my ex, for the past ten years, patiently listens to my insecurities and continues to give all the assurances I need, and that helps a lot to get me through the day. Ever since we broke up, it has become tougher for me and my emotions tend to go out of control as I have no one to lean on.
Because of that I prefer to be alone. I am fine with enjoying things that I love by myself. Especially recently, when I've been getting unsolicited comments with regards to things I enjoy. I do wish people can keep those comments to themselves - to me, they're not necessary.
Being bipolar also causes my sensitivity to shift from time to time; one day you'll find me enjoying certain types of jokes but the next day a similar joke might anger me. Most of the time, I can hold back the anger, but often it leaves me very emotional as I was unable to express the emotions. Complicating things is the desire to hold back the anger as logically I know that the anger is irrational.
Knowing all this, I can see why most people with bipolar tends to be self-pitying, full of worries and ultimately, feeling resigned. This is because we are feeling defeated at the prospect of the inability to control our own emotions. What if you factor in all the varied and complex situations around us? However I refuse to submit to defeat. Since I know my problems, I could at least address it; I should be seeking solutions instead.
Yes it's easier said than done, but it's still better than doing nothing and yield to it. I know it won't be an easy journey and the fight will be tough, but I will try my best to keep my head high and fight all the negative emotions shrouding me. I know that there's many good things waiting for me out there as long I fight hard and try my best to stay positive.
So to sum it up, if you're not suffering any mental illness and/or not officially diagnosed, don't simply go spouting on about it, it does more harm than you realize. If you are and you're financially capable, please get professional help instead of jumping right onto social media or the internet - these tend to do more harm than good.
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