"Will you marry me?"
Without hesitation I said yes.
Imagine you had spent a decade of your life with someone, and all you wanted is to go to end with that person? At this point you feel you had known this person your whole life.
But that wasn't the ending I'm getting. After a decade together, 5 years after he popped the question, I was so ready to walk down the aisle. I made it clear after a decade together, I didn't want to just stay as partners and I wish to move on to the next stage.
However, he didn't share the same idea, and he have reasons as well.
Wit that, I ended our relationship.
There were several red flags during our early relationships but I turned blind eyes as I wanted to believe things will change as years go by. Years goes by with ups and down;
We broke up 3 times.
And 3 times he begged me to take him back.
And 3 times I did.
I finally told him there will be no 4th time. There are times he gave me hope and that's why I stayed. But also because I love him.
2013 was a tumultuous year to me. I was at the lowest and so does our relationship. He was considering of leaving me but in the end he decided not to go through it. There were times I wish he did. I wish we ended sooner than continue and cared for each other more.
At the end of 2017 I saw another crack in our relationship and at this point I had lost hope. I decided to spend 2018 to create as many memories as possible and do the last push to save our relationship. During 2018 I suddenly have a last minute hope and even went as far as having a henna decorative with his name engraved at my cousin's wedding.
As he left the capital to his hometown for Christmas, I watch him leaving to the airport solemnly, somehow I felt this would be the last time I see him. As my love partner.
And I was right.
As much I'm very upset with the situation, I did not hate him. Despite what happened, he had been nothing but a wonderful partner. He loves me the way I am. He accepted my quirkiness and imperfections. He stayed when I was at the lowest and forgive me. He raise me and gives all the help I needed when my own family didn't think I need one.
Also I admit what I asked from him is not something small. Which is why for months I've been taking the blame of this relationship failure alone.
If anything I feel salty over this matter we dragged ourselves way too long. As I said before, I wished we just ended everything in 2013, not after when we had loved and cared for each other deeply.
But another part of me glad he didn't. Otherwise I might had spent my whole life wrecked with guilt, and he might had lose faith with love. Instead we ended up creating more beautiful and meaningful years together.
As I keeping away all our memorabilia and engagement ring, I looked at my right hand. Months ago there was his name on it. I'm glad it wasn't a tattoo.
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