I don't have kids. In fact I wasn't even married. Yet. And yet why am I here to talk about parenting? If anyone who have no right to talk about parenting that would be me.
And yet here I am. It was also odd I was added into the parenting group in Mensa. Regardless I decided to stay and observe all the sharing session and I begin to realise some of my views and ideology regarding parenting was not too stray from experience parents. One thig I learn about parenting through my own observations growing up there is not definite rule or formula. Each children needs different approaches. While there hundred ways in raising children, to me they all fell into 2 main categories: Tough and Gentle. For these 2 cases I didn't even need to look far; both approaches were used in my family. Growing up dad would be quite strict while mum treated me and my brother differently. No, not because she didn't love us equally, but because she is aware we both have a contrast personality and needed to be handled differently. Growing up, my brother and I were bullied due to our mixed heritage and dark skin, which during the time we were growing up were unfortunately viewed with disdain. Or at least where we used to live. I know there are more luckier people than us. Mum would spend time with my rother with heart to heart talk. She would give gentle and loving encouragements and advises as my brother is very sensitive and his emotions can get bruised easily. Mum would tell him stories of hope and kindness.
Due to my brother's sensitive nature, being angry with him would be mum's last resort. My brother hardly a naughty or rebellious child, so whenever he made mistake or throwing tantrum (which again a very rare instance), mum would talk to him gently and asking him to tell her his problems. However mum still have certain rule of thumb which she would not tolerate, even to my brother.
Meanwhile she did the opposite with me. According to her, she can see since young I have a fiery and a fighter spirit. This is proven since kindergarten where my dad would teach me to box like Muhammad Ali to fight off my bullies. It was also hard for her to talk to me because I tends to keep things to myself. She would first approach me the same way as my brother but she eventually realised I'm more effective when being challenged. Mum's most magic word to me: "If you let fear control your life because of what the bullies did to you, then they had won - the last thing you want is to let these low lifes win, am I right?" This would stuck with me for years. Eventually it become my motto "To live to the fullest is my biggest revenge". Dad is a bit extreme tho, tho he might not be too serious about it, he actually encouraged me to get back to them, but I realised I couldn't be bothered. And I'm glad I continue to fell that way. Mum of course disagree with his idea. Even to this day, whenever I felt like giving up, especially because of the people around me (I one time working in a very toxic environment), mum would remind me not to give up because I shouldn't let others bring me down. Everytime I felt being challenged, I would response with "challenge accepted".
I can sense mu do want to have heart to heart approach with me, just as she did with my brother but unfortunately I didn't really like to open up. Not to her, not to everyone. And I'm glad she respect me for that. This challenging approach however have a little setback when it comes to my self-esteem but I'm partially at fault for never addressing them. Mum would commented on my weight and my looks (I have skin issues) so I would take them as a challenge and have care on them - but instead become very conscious with my appearance and my self -esteem deteriorate.
Mum would eventually realised this and stopped touching issues on my weight and skin but it was a bit too late and now I had to work harder to rebuild my self-esteem. I used to resent her for this, but now I realised it was also my fault for never addressing them. As my brother and I getting older, our father would question his parenting skills and a bit regretful for being probably too strict to us. I won't lie, we both did resent our father while growing up, my brother especially due to his sensitive nature. Some may consider our father to be rather laid back for an Asian, but strict in Western pov. Dad highly value educations (and later job), therefore he will very strict when come to teaching us and it's common for me and my brother to ended in tears. We always have fear when father wanted to teach us any school subjects we have issues with. But the thing is, due to our fear to his wrath we ended up excel in them.
As we getting older, especially after we both get into relationship and eventually entering the working world, we begin to understand our father even more. Our resentment slowly gone and we can tolerate our dad being temperamental. And Dean become even closer to father due to the similarity of their jobs and they somewhat have similar personality. As we getting older, I noticed I begin to become sensitive, but it was also contributed by my bipolar disorder (which was undiagnosed for 23 years). Initially mum was exasperated with me; as she was unsure how to approach me and we ended up have estranged relationship for a short period. I was unpredictable; while I still have my fighting spirit, there are times I wanted to be treated delicately, just like my brother.
Only after we attended therapy together we works things out as we begin to understand each other better.
Comments