At least to me.
I don't get jealous easily, envy maybe, and I envied few people and the most recent one is a someone who had a past with my someone important to me. No, I am not jealous because they had a past, it's already in the past, nothing bothers me, really. I envied her as who she is; her beauty, her tenacity, her achievements and sheer determinations. In other words, even without her connection with my partner, I would had admired and envied her regardless. People sometimes questioned my definition of beauty; I noticed some may be very beautiful (at least to the social standard), but some, that were perceived unattractive (again to the 'social standard') I would find them very, very beautiful. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. They talk of inner beauty, and I guess I am seeing these people beautiful because of that. Lately however, I'm slowly starting to find her less beautiful. Is it because she is getting older? She no longer have the sweet, childish feature of a teenage girl as she's slowly leaving her 20s? Or is it because I get to know her more and more? Sometimes I wish I didn't know much so the beauty would preserve. But I also hate blind admiration, I hate blind loyalty the most. I know many people think we should separate their talents, their achievements from their personal's life. My dad is a strong advocate of this; he detest Rod Steward and Miley Cyrus's personalities but acknowledged their talents and works. I guess I could agree with that, at certain degree at least. But some I couldn't simply overlooked their personal life. Some I strongly viewed, believed if you will that their personalities/personal life correlate with their achievements (*cough cough* I'm looking at you Taylor Swift). I just can't overlook them. I felt their achievements fueling up their egos that in turn hurting people around them. They can keep their egos to themselves but when other get caught into them then it's another story (again I'm looking at you Taylor Swift). I hate when they think the world revolve around them and we as the society enable them. Back to the original topic. Her social media now amassing almost 900 photos (including old ones with someone I know inside). Her growth documented at every moment; from a teenager from a small, rural town who is suffering from leg deformity (and lack of fingers) but is happily in a relationship to a powerful, successful single woman in the capital who survived amputation, who is now championed for the disable people, constantly surrounded with celebrities, and the never ending shortage of TV and magazine appearances.
Tell me, how could you not admire that? Achieving all these despite her shortcomings in life? Even before she hits her 30s.
And yet I find myself looking at her and finds getting less attractive everyday. Again because she is aging? Is her makeups? Now they're too thick and cakey? Did I noticed insincerity within her smiles? Did I see she force herself to look good with others? Or perhaps none of them. As I mentioned earlier, I get to know her more and more; beneath her smile, cheerful and positive attitude she had been publicly displaying, I know what she did, I know all he measures she took to get where she is right now. I know of all the people she left behind. I know the game she played. The more I get to know her, the more her social media posts, her TV and magazine appearances starting to make sense.
As for recent I get to know more and more what she went through, the toxic companion and environment she had to went through. I can see clearer and understand her plights and her eventual actions. A part of me is not happy with what she did but another part of me completely understands her. I sympathized her. A lot. After all she's a warrior who still fighting a long battle. She freed from one but still continue to fight another. She used to be beautiful. Very beautiful.
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