As I mentioned in my previous post, 2019 hadn't been kind to me, but around August something much more dreadful starting to happened to me.
My limbs begin to feel painful, and the most prominent ones is my right arm. It didn't came as a surprise as I use my right arm the most, but soon it become more than just pain. This is the beginning my long months in and out of hospital. Coincidentally during this time I also suffering multiple issues; from cyst to blood anomaly. For 5 months they been taking my blood and I undergo several medical tests and minor surgeries.
Patches and Attentions
It begin with painful muscles so I treat it with Salonpass to relax my muscle. My friends suggested me to use Counterpain instead but the cream would easily getting wiped away.
But slowly from muscle pains I slowly begin to suffer joints pain, particularly my right hand fingers. It become more and more difficult for me to draw. A simple comic that usually take 30 minus can stretch to an hour or more. I begin to learn to use mouse and phone with my left hand. Not an easy task. I wish I learn to use my left hand before....
Bandages and Tremors and Stay Smiling
Finally I woke up with the realization I might loosing my ability to draw. I didn't realize my hands were trembling until I begin to do "delicate" tasks such as drawing and sewing. I also realised I couldn't play violin properly. Cold weather seemed to cause the pain become unbearable, doctor advised me to have my painful limbs wrapped in bandages; it's also served to avoid people from bumping into me.
Most of the time the pains are tolerable, but there will time the pains are unbearable. There are times I literally cry in pain, and the worst part? I am alone. I'm not sure why all these things happened when I have no one but myself. Perhaps driven by pride and ego, I refused to let people see me in pain or crying. I continue to smile. In fact I refused to wear bandages at work nor during the IBD as I didn't want to get unwanted attention. But soon I couldn't keep it up and I have to wear bandages, in public.
Resolution?
Eventually I broke down and begin to have nightmares. This is one of the few things I've been dreading and hoping not to happen to me and yet he it is. I keep thinking am I able to do other things apart of drawing? Am I willing to give up drawing?
Doctors eventually concluded I'm suffering essential tremors, but they still couldn't figure out the pain. There were speculations; from early stage to Parkinson Diseases to Arthritis. However the blood tests and several physical tests they decided it was none of them. Soon I realised there's no point fretting over something I can't control. I can't control the pain, I can't control the illness, I can't control my inability to draw anymore. But, I can decide what to do with my life.
I think it's quite arrogant of us thinking we know ourselves and our potentials, I believe all of us have hidden potentials that were not out due to lack of opportunities. Perhaps this is the situation needed for me to discover another part of me, another part of my potentials that I never know I have.
With my company letting me go, I decided to explore two possibilities that I never had even think I would try had not this happen, All now I hope everything goes well. In fact, I hope things goes way better than right now. Cross fingers!
"Sve će biti u redu". Everything will be Alright. A quote my Croatian boyfriend thought me last year. It had been my motto ever since. I just need to have faith that everything had been planned from above. I just need to stay strong.
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