"I love you"
It's just a phrase consisted of three words. Yet it is a one powerful sentence that can make or break a person.
By the time I'm writing this my bf still couldn't tell me he loves me. I know his background, I know what he went through, and by right I'm supposed to understand his inability to tell me he loves me.
And yet here I am, grieving every single day regarding this matter.
I was confused, devastangry and angry with myself. I went through the internet, looking around and hoping to find some solace. I selfish part of me hoping I wasn't the only one going through this. If there are others who is going through this, I want to know how they cope with the situation.
Then I stumbled upon a good article. "7 Ways to Cope When He Can't Say 'I Love You!'"
You've said 'I love you!' Why can't he say it back?
The first of the list goes:
Ask yourself why hearing him say those three little words is so important to you.
I'm stumped.
I begin to question myself. Are those words really that important?
I went through the list.
Acknowledge when he is making an effort to tell you he loves you but can't seem to do it verbally.
Acknowledge when he is making an effort to tell you he loves you but can't seem to do it verbally.
Understand the difference between someone who can't say "I love you" and someone who won't say "I love you!"
Find non-verbal ways to express your commitment and devotion.
Focus on all the good things in your relationship.
Read books on how people express love in ways that don't actually involve words.
With all these points, I know he truly cares of me.
And then the last part of the list.
Decide if his inability to say the three words you want to hear are a deal-breaker for you.
I sat down in deep thought. Is hearing him telling me is that important? Why it is very important? All the gestures he been doing should had be enough to warrant my guarantee that he do care of me.
Or was it because caring me is not enough? Is it because I am lucky enough to be surrounded by many people who cares of me and whatever he is doing now is no different than others? Or am I feeling insecure? But why I felt those three words can make differences? I had seen many people can utter those words carelessly and meant none of it. Mine did the opposite and I supposed to be grateful. Actions speak louder than words.
It's not easy for some people to say 'I love you!' Perhaps your partner is more comfortable expressing his love for you through small gifts and loving gestures.
After a while I went through the internet again. I haven't truly find solace with my ordeal. This time I want to look on different angle. I want to understand myself instead. I want to know why I am so troubled by something I should have shrugged off as unimportant.
As I mentioned at the start, "I love You" is a one powerful sentence that can make or break a person. Human mind is one complex matter.
There's a difference between "superficial romantic experiences" and "profound love"
Profound love takes time to develop, so it isn't exactly realistic to tell your partner you love him or her profoundly early on in your relationship. Although, you can certainly tell your partner you love him or her after a short time together, especially if it's how you feel at that moment. When you're ready to tell your partner how you feel, the safest, least scary option for most people is to wait until you are sure your partner feels similarly. But According to Dr. Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D -- one of the world's leading experts in the study of emotions -- advises against that:
While it is true that profound romantic flourishing involves mutual loving attitudes, this does not mean that you should hide your love, just because your beloved is not (yet) as in love with you as you are with him or her. You should be honest and open about your attitude and give your partner the time he or she needs for feelings toward you to develop into profound love.
It's important to respect different personality traits that cause people to express love differently and at different points in a relationship. Most importantly, while it's painful, it's important not to expect your partner to express his or her love at the same time you do.
Was him being selfish? Or is it me who is actually being selfish?
In my previous relationship I heard the word "I Love You" almost instantly when we started the relationship - and that relationship lasted for a decade and not a single day we miss to say that to each other. Sounds like me take this phrase lightly to utter it daily, but we meant it every single time.
Now that we are in half a year relationship I still haven't heard it, while I said it many times. At one time he even coldly rebuffed me after I'm telling him that I love him - saying I'm just simply saying it - that was the first time I was blindsided by him - I was confused; if he is not expecting me to love him, why is he even bother to have me in the relationship?
I was deeply hurt. I did point it out and he did apologized but it deeply effected me emotionally. Sadly this didn't stop there and I continued to get blindsided by him. However, by this time they're mostly caused by me and I was blindsided by his responses.
During these times, some people caught the wind of my situation and offered "advises". While some encouraged me to stay, some hinted they would had given me a better life had I choose them - even some went as far to tell me they love me. I was mad.
Really mad.
I've been hearing people telling me they love me and yet not from the one I want to hear the most. I ended up broke one cup out of anger. I am mentally unstable at this point.
At this point I'm emotionally drained from my situation. I took my days off from communicating with him to reflect on my life and evaluate our relationship. This whole situation is too new to me.
The more I think about it the more I begin to see few things in new light. These people who told me they loved had known me for years. They know me inside and out (well mostly), and some of them even know me even before I'm with my ex. My bf and I had only been together for less than a year - it's unfair of me having same expectations from him.
Another thing he pointed out that our relationship had mostly been online. Sure we meet in real life, but we only spent time together only for few days before he return to his country. We begin relationship a month afterwards. He said he will feel more confident with our relationship once we meet and spend time together again.
I get his point. I used to like someone. We were on fire online, but after meet him up several times, I didn't feel we click at all. We were in fact so opposite and clash in real-life.
So the question is, are we being selfish here?
Him from holding back saying "I Love You" despite he is aware the importance to me.
Or me for wanting to hear that phrase despite knowing he is not ready.
The truth is, in a sense yes we both are being selfish here. We both are totally opposite in dealing our healing process and it clashed greatly.
As the question asked before, "Decide if his inability to say the three words you want to hear are a deal-breaker for you". I thought hard. Yes this is difficult for me, but this had been difficult for him as well. I can't simply walk away from a relationship the moment things become rough. Yes there are times I felt like I'm in an abusive relationship; but I believe all the fights we been having stemmed from our frustration due to long distance relationship and the sudden Covid-19 worldwide outbreak prevented us from seeing each other soon. We were just frustrated with our situation and unfortunately it carried into our relationship dynamic.
For now I decided to stay. Yes he did hurt me several times. But I know he meant none of it. I can see he try his best to improve himself. I can see he put plenty of efforts for our relationship He steps out from his comfort zone many times. And to continue to stay by his side and trying to understand him is the best I can do for now.
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