When he asked me if I wanted to date him, I immediately said yes. My once completely broken heart suddenly felt alive and I giggled like a small kid. Admittedly I didn't think it through; I didn't expect I would fall in love again. And I fell hard.
After breaking up with my boyfriend of ten years, I thought I couldn't immediately return to the dating scene. In fact I couldn't even imagine it. I'm not bragging, but almost immediately after I make it known that I am single, I received many messages and hints from several people, in fact maybe too many; some I kinda expected as they've been hinting their interest on me even when I was still with my ex. Some however came as a surprise.
During this time I could have had some of fairy tale endings; there's one man who had been waiting even before I date my ex, which means he has been waiting for more than ten years, meanwhile there's another person who tried really hard while I was still with my ex, and there's even this one man flew all over to Malaysia to see me.
Initially I was repulsed by these men; I was deeply hurt from the breakup as I truly loved my ex, and these people expected me to move on, immediately? Am I that cheap? Suffice to say I declined all of them and for a short period of time I even stayed away from any form of social media. I needed time to heal. I needed time to be able to think rationally again. I needed time to be able to open my heart again. Despite others perceiving me as being sociable and open, what they're seeing is just the surface I wanted them to see. Deep down I am twisted and bleeding heavily due to childhood traumas. It's not something I want people to see, and yet that was what I had shared in the past ten years with my ex. I had opened up almost everything to him, and it wasn't an easy nor fast process. It took a lot of patience from the both of us to reach that stage.
I admit I'm afraid to do this all over again. Will anyone be able to love me the same way he does? Even after they've seen the deepest, darkest part of me?
After several months when my mind was bit clearer I decided to get to know all these men. I must admit I admire their tenacity. But alas, I can only see them as no more than just friends. My logical mind thinks I'm stupid; all these men been waiting for me and they've seen my unappealing sides throughout our years of friendship and yet my heart couldn't open for them. Perhaps I was destined to be lonely forever?
I thought I needed longer time to heal. I decided not to return to the dating scene for a year or two. So I thought.
Father always tells me that love works in mysterious ways, and that luck also plays a big part. Then I met someone. We only got to talk and interact for three days, and yet his cheekiness and boldness made my broken heart flutter. All the things he did during the first night I talked to him would had usually warranted a hard slap, or even a kick to the balls; and yet here I am, my face flushed red from blushing and my heart skipping a beat.
Not to mention that was one confusing night as well! I was with someone at that time; another man that had been "courting" me in the past three days. At this point I just braced myself for any possibility.
As it turned out, the "courter" and I only saw each other as friends. As I kept in touch with him again, we planned to meet up before he left Malaysia - and I would never had thought our second encounter will lead to a new relationship.
As much as I wanted to ask him, I was still shaken from my breakup. Previously it was me who asked my ex to date me. At this point we were just back and forth teasing each other. As frustrated as I was, I was too sacred to ask, so I just sat silently and waited.
And the day finally came. After long period of teasing, he actually asked me. And I readily agreed; for I felt that I had really fallen in love with this cheeky man. A man whom I meet for the first time a month ago, and whose company I enjoyed for just three days.
There was a concern with regards to rebound, as I met him only ten months after my breakup. But after thinking it through, I daresay it wasn't a rebound - as I recalled I could had gone out with all the men who had been pursuing me right after my breakup.
I won't lie, while I was exhilarated with this new relationship, deep down I was pessimistic; I had spent ten years with someone whom I deeply believed could had gone far together; could I expect the same from someone whom I barely knew? Regardless, together we agreed to get to know each other for a year. I really held onto the idea that we might not go far. I am ready to face that possibility. So I thought again.
But imagine when suddenly for no reason you begin to cry when you begin to play certain scenarios in your head? Especially ones that ends up with another breakup?
At the start I am completely aware that this new relationship can goes both ways, and yes I did said I am prepared to face either of them. Yet now I am lamenting over the possibility it might fail. Am I falling hard for him?
I think the obvious the answer is yes. As we are now in a long-distance relationship, I yearned for skinship; I want all the hugs and kisses like other couples. I want to be in his arms when I feel down, I want to be in his arms when I feel sad, I want to be in his arms when I'm suffering from my bipolar fits. And I want him to be in my arms when he feels down as well.
As we continue to exchange messages daily and (and the occasional video calls), we got to know each other more (also me "stalking" him through any means possible haha), I think I fell in love with him further.
Of course nobody's perfect, we all have our down days, and yet he is still here, continuing to support me and making sure I am fine. We might be thousands of miles and continents apart, and yet my heart feels so close to him. Yes I am in love again. And I fell hard.
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