Recently I had an interesting discussion with a fellow Mensan on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To me there's a fine line between being narcissistic and loving yourself. I soon learn how wrong I was.
Coincidentally weeks earlier I was watching UNHhhh (Style Journey Reaction, Season 6, Episode 14 • 11-Aug-2021) when these exchanges took place. It all started when Trixie Mattel (left) semi jokingly said, "I feel bad for everybody who isn't me. It's horrible for them. It is", to which Katya replied, "(laughingly) So wait, but...When does the experience of self-love migrate into narcissism or perhaps delusional pathological narcissism?" Without missing a beat Trixie responded, "I think it's sad that in today's society, loving yourself could be considered...verging on pathological narcissism"
Until I had the discussion with my fellow Mensan, I completely agree with Trixie and view the differences between self-love and narcissism is thin; it's kinda sad the society viewed self loving as narcissism. The fact we were viewed to be wrong when we be able to appreciate the way we are and being proud about it.
With that being said, the exchanges I had with this fellow Mensan is rather interesting.
"There's a fine thin line between self love and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's a very interesting study"
"Mmm I tend to see both as opposites haha but yes, nothing in common at all. I mean, a narcissistic would never be on the other side of that line. Because, if not, it's just an indirect imposition and that's not useful nor empathetic haah. Talking about Empathy, that is the one trait them lack and fear.. those narcissists "
So the question is, how do we define and putting the line between self love and narcissism? How do differentiate it? How can we tell when we, or others are expressing self love or simply being narcissist? First of all we need to understand what is self love.
Understanding Self Love
[Wikipedia] Self-love, defined as "love of self" or "regard for one's own happiness or advantage", has been conceptualized both as a basic human necessity and as a moral flaw, akin to vanity and selfishness, synonymous with amour propre, conceitedness, egotism, narcissism, et al. However, throughout the centuries self-love has adopted a more positive connotation through pride parades, Self Respect Movement, self-love protests, the hippie era, the New Agefeminist movement as well as the increase in mental health awareness that promotes self-love as intrinsic to self-help and support groups working to prevent substance abuse and suicide.
Lack of self-love increases risk of suicide according to the American Association of Suicidology. The association conducted a study in 2008 which researched the impact of low self-esteem and lack of self-love and its relation to suicidal tendencies and attempts. They defined self-love as being "beliefs about oneself (self-based self-esteem) and beliefs about how other people regard oneself (other-based self-esteem)". It concluded that "depression, hopelessness, and low self-esteem are implications of vulnerability factors for suicide ideation" and that "these findings suggest that even in the context of depression and hopelessness, low self-esteem may add to the risk for suicide ideation".
Written by Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D., President & CEO of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation. This blog post also appears on the Gravity Blankets Blog:
Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.
Self-love can mean something different for each person because we all have many different ways to take care of ourselves. Figuring out what self-love looks like for you as an individual is an important part of your mental health.
What does self-love mean to you?
For starters, it can mean:
Talking to and about yourself with love
Prioritizing yourself
Giving yourself a break from self-judgement
Trusting yourself
Being true to yourself
Being nice to yourself
Setting healthy boundaries
Forgiving yourself when you aren’t being true or nice to yourself
For many people, self-love is another way to say self-care. To practice self-care, we often need to go back to the basics and
Listen to our bodies
Take breaks from work and move/stretch.
Put the phone down and connect to yourself or others, or do something creative.
Eating healthily, but sometimes indulge in your favorite foods.
Self-love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional and mental well-being first.
How and Why to Practice Self Love
So now we know that self-love motivates you to make healthy choices in life. When you hold yourself in high esteem, you're more likely to choose things that nurture your well-being and serve you well. These things may be in the form of eating healthy, exercising or having healthy relationships.
Ways to practice self-love include:
Becoming mindful. People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, feel, and want.
Taking actions based on need rather than want. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.
Practicing good self-care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.
Making room for healthy habits. Start truly caring for yourself by mirroring that in what you eat, how you exercise, and what you spend time doing. Do stuff, not to “get it done” or because you “have to,” but because you care about you.
Finally, to practice self-love, start by being kind, patient, gentle and compassionate to yourself, the way you would with someone else that you care about.
Is too much self love can be considered narcissism? No. As stated above, loving yourself is not selfish, it's self-care. Self-love is recognising your inner abilities and nurturing and acknowledging them. It is very commonly said that you cannot love someone else until you learn to love yourself (cue Rupaul famous catchphrase, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?").
What Narcissism and Narcissistic personality disorder really are?
[Wikipedia] Narcissism is a mental disorder and the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's idealised self-image and attributes. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissism or pathological self-absorption was first identified as a disorder in 1898 by Havelock Ellis and featured in subsequent psychological models, e.g. in Freud's On Narcissism (1914). The American Psychiatric Association has listed the classification narcissistic personality disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) since 1968, drawing on the historical concept of megalomania.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or megalomania is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy. People with NPD often spend much time daydreaming about achieving power and success, and perceive injustice for failing to do so. This is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and unstable sense of identity, often to cope with a sub-par real life. People with the diagnosis in recent years have spoken out about its stigma in media, and possible links to abusive situations and childhood trauma. Such narcissistic behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a broad range of situations.
It occurs more often in men than women, and typically affects younger as opposed to older people. The narcissistic personality was first described by the psychoanalyst Robert Waelder, in 1925. The term narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) was coined by Heinz Kohut in 1968.
People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others envy them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment
Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
How We Are Confusing Self-Love with Narcissism In This Generation?
The writer for this segment, Sheetal Shaparia, is a life coach. A narcissist’s world is just about them, they don’t just prioritise themselves, they neglect others and create their own world where they are superior of others.
First of all, let’s start off with some definitions, shall we?
Self Love: Regard for one's own well-being and happiness.
Narcissism: Excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.
Self-Love
Loving yourself means maintaining conscious awareness of who you are and what lies within you. It means accepting yourself the way you are. Self-love is when a person cares for themselves while keeping others in mind. When you love someone, you accept them for who they are. You do not depend on validation or distraction from the outside, you accept what exists between you and the other. It is the same with self-love. You establish a relationship with this mysterious ‘other’ and you never turn away, no matter how ugly and real it gets. Narcissism
Narcissism is a whole other concept, and it is seen as a personality disorder too, termed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A narcissistic person loves themselves and only themselves. They are full of pride and have such vanity that to an extent that they even forget other people’s existence. This sense of prestige comes at a price and is vulnerable. Those with narcissistic disorders need constant reassurance from their peers, because they have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone.
Self-Love v/s Narcissism Self-love is the unapologetic act of putting yourself first, and being proud and confident in your achievements. This is a healthy mentality, unlike narcissism.
A narcissist typically has low self-esteem and is always in the need of reassurance and adoration. Although they seem confident on the outside, self-doubt and insecurity consume them from inside as they need and expect constant validation from others.
Whereas, those who have high self-esteem and practice self-love don’t need recognition or congratulations for their accomplishments.
Everyone has flaws. Those who love themselves accept their flaws, and work to improve them if need be. They also seek out constructive criticism, because they continuously want to grow. While in the case of a narcissist, everything they do, they do it better than anyone. They sidestep other’s opinions because of the special status afforded to them.
As mentioned earlier, a person who practices self-love accepts themselves. A narcissist on the other hand, pretends they’re perfect and nothing could be wrong with them. Even though deep inside they know they might have flaws, they will always be in denial and think of themselves as the best.
Is too much self-love, narcissism? As long as you are in love with yourself while loving others, not being selfish, and see a scope of growth within yourself, you’re walking in the right lane. Self-love to an extent is healthy. Once it turns into a massive obsession, might lead to narcissism. Narcissism is incredibly toxic behaviour and will repel anyone from your life who can identify these disturbing features.
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