I think by this time many would see me as a conflict-free person, or at least any conflicts I got myself involved wasn't started by me. I tend to avoid heavy subjects and only engage with light-hearted if not ridiculous topics.
Not that I dislike heavy topics, in fact they're my main interest. But then why I avoid it? That's because I noticed I tend to suffer breakdowns during heated disagreements.
To many, I can come off as standoffish and defensive during heated discussion especially if I'm having disagreements. I might be seen as someone who refuse to lose and wanted to have the final say. I didn't realised this attitude was actually one of the results of years of bullying during primary school.
What is Psychological Abuse?
Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety,chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It is often associated with situations of power imbalance in abusive relationships, and may include bullying, gaslighting, and abuse in the workplace. It also may be perpetrated by persons conducting torture, other violence, acute or prolonged human rights abuse, particularly without legal redress such as detention without trial,false accusations, false convictions and extreme defamation such as where perpetrated by state and media.
- Source wikipedia.org
Growing up I was completely unaware some of my "bizarre" attitudes are due to my bipolar disorder and result of bullying. I had always thought they were just part of my personality (maybe they're) but as time goes by I begin to realise my past may play the part of my current personality.
I hide my feelings
It won't came as a surprise if many finds me open and transparent. But what they don't know they only the surface, the ones I want people to see. They're facade to conceal my deepest emotions.
I hold back my thoughts around people I care
While I hardly hold back my thoughts in public, I refrain myself for being too expressive around people I care as I fear I might hurt their feelings. While most people would do the opposite, I just couldn't bear the idea of hurting my friends and even with the possibility of losing them.
I tend to justify myself
Because of my previous experience of gaslighting and false accusations, I ended up tend to justify almost all my actions, especially the ones involving dilemmas. I become anxious of others' perceptive of my decision, especially if its involving others.
I constantly need assurance from others
Similar case to justifying, I constantly needs assurance that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm actually in complete control of actions and decisions. I always think I'm not good, I always think I couldn't make good judgement.
Now that I had identify my issues, I'm slowly learning to overcome them. It wasn't easy. Not that I think it was easy to begin with but it's much more difficult than I anticipated. I admit for the first time I actually unsure how to help myself and went through many articles.
After going through several articles, I find this one among the best. I won't copy everything from there, feel to read from the link I provide above. Here I list down my own resolution after understanding what I need to do in order to help myself.
Make your mental and physical health a priority. At this point I need to stop being too concern what others think of me. Stop blaming yourself. I need to understand almost everything, if not everything was NOT my fault. For years my tormentors had been conditioning me into believing I am at fault. But now I know better, I first need to understand the situations I were in, rather than immediately taking the blame, but also not to always pointing fingers to others.
Do not engage with an abusive person. Probably the best move. I'm taking out all the negativity out from my life. After all, blocking features in social media exist for a reason?
Build a support network. Probably the hardest thing for me to do. I really want to overcome this alone because I felt ashamed and probably ego as I wanted to appear strong. But as time goes by I realised by sharing my experience and to learnt there's more people outside needs help, I realised by building the support network will help myself and others heals.
Types of emotional abuse
As an old saying, "Prevention is Better than Cure", so we better knows ahead all the signs we were mentally and emotionally abuses. I won't be writing much here, but above I shared a link to a very good article regarding it and a quick list what you should be taking notice to prevent yourself from being emotionally abused.
Emotional abuse can involve any of the following:
Verbal abuse: yelling at you, insulting you or swearing at you.
Rejection: Constantly rejecting your thoughts, ideas and opinions.
Gaslighting: making you doubt your own feelings and thoughts, and even your sanity, by manipulating the truth.
Put-downs: calling you names or telling you that you’re stupid, publicly embarrassing you, blaming you for everything. Public humiliation is also a form of social abuse.
Causing fear: making you feel afraid, intimidated or threatened.
Isolation: limiting your freedom of movement, stopping you from contacting other people (such as friends or family). It may also include stopping you from doing the things you normally do – social activities, sports, school or work. Isolating someone overlaps with social abuse.
Financial abuse: controlling or withholding your money, preventing you from working or studying, stealing from you. Financial abuse is another form of domestic violence.
Bullying and intimidation: purposely and repeatedly saying or doing things that are intended to hurt you.
Now that you had identify all these actions, immediately distance yourself form these people. Do not try to fell pity with them because that's how they begin their manipulation and grasp on you! Remember, your mental (and physical) health and happiness should be held at the upmost importance.
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