I had spent a decade opening up to him, let him see, explore me inside and out (both figuratively and literally) and then just like that we walked into different paths. For awhile I continue to cling. I continue to hold to the emotions and feelings I had on him. I let the past residue to stay on me, even after I had meet someone new. But recently as we crossed path again I had an epiphany. I no longer loves him.
The breakup wasn't easy. We saw it miles away, and yet when it finally arrived, it still hit us hard. We walked away, wondering if we would look back at each other. We did.
I remember months before the eventual breakup a mutual friends of ours said to me that she is sad thinking the dynamic of our gang will change. Indeed it changed. I started the gang while we all studying in LimKokWing University, during our foundation (where we skipped diploma by cramping 2 years diploma subjects into one). I included him around a year later as we begin our degree year. Despite this, it was his presence that make the group becomes alive. Him and another friend. For this reason upon our breakup decided to removed myself from them. Not entirely but I make myself less involved with them. Also not helping that I went back to live with my family and have less freedom.
Then I meet someone. I fell in love. Again. And hard.
Yet the residue of past still holds me tightly. From time to time I accidentally compare my new man to him. I hurt my new one, and to an extend myself when I feel he is not the same as him. As he pointed out, I was expecting a decade of relationship expectations when the fact we just meet. It was wrong of me. I unintentionally become toxic in the relationship.
With Covid things become worst. My new man is far away, thousand miles away while my old one is here and close. It's painful. And not helping for a time my new man slowing closing himself and hurts me even more. I felt alone and didn't feel I have anyone to turn to. For a decade I had been emotionally clinging to him. So I did ended up turned to him for comfort and advises. It seems weird. It sounds weird. And it is indeed weird. Eventually I meet new people. I rekindled with some friends. Some I unexpectedly become close due to my circumstances. Slowly I decided to rely less on him. He is my past and I need to learn to let him go.
There are times between me and my new man becomes so hard that I even think to become single and just hangout with him as friends with benefits. We even jokes of going to Europe finding job together (he is aware I had been eyeing Europe since late 2018).
During these tumulus times my past keep telling me he loves me to make me feel better. But the truth is I know he meant his words as he still loves me. From time to time I would cry; I want my future to tell me he loves me, not my past. We are over. But as recent my man had been open again. I can see he is trying. I can see he didn't want to lose me. On Valentine's this year, 2021, after more than a year date he finally told me he loves me. Verbally. In video call. On his own; not because I asked/forced him to, not because I was crying, in the verge of mental breakdown, not because I was suicidal. All this while they all were in text, albeit feeling forced to. But this time on his own, on his own term. Verbally. I hear voice saying them. "I Love You" With this I finally at peace. I finally felt I am loved. It bee long ago I feel secured. I know I won't lose him to another women, but I feel lack of love. I didn't feel loved. Thus why I emotionally cling to my past, because I know he won't let me emotionally down. With this renewed love, I feel I am in love again. I feel the fire of love from my man. Because of this my past and I agree to cease communication for the sake of my man. We are now in a good place and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize it. We had been working hard to come this far. I had endure a lot to hear him telling me he loves me.
I slowly start to build up courage to share my interests and random talk to my man. All this while I had been doing with my past as I didn't want to overwhelm my man; but I begin to realise he needs to learn to accept me and I need to learn to adjust to cater to his pace. It wasn't easy at first, but we are improving. There were some upsets but we are managing. We communicate, we expressed ourselves and most importantly we reflects.
Recently I crossed path with my past. We chat a bit. We mused each other a bit; like something my man said reminds me of him in our early days and how I look forward how the future going to be. He looked me in the eyes and tells me he loves me still. I look at him. Unfazed. Last time my heart would had fluttered. My eyes might teared up. But not this time. Instead I feel like I had become cold towards him. I feel nothing. At this moment I realised I still treasure him. I still treasure the time we had together. I still treasure our past live together. I still treasure all the gestures he made to me. But they all just, a treasure. A memory for me to cherish. But not something I need to live. I treasure him.
But I no longer loves him.
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