Every year I will hear people say "New Year, New Me" or nowdays #newyearnewme, and yet I felt I had stayed the same throughout the years. Barely change. Then 2019 came.
2019 started hard for me. I broken up with my partner of 10 years and spent the first half of the year struggling to cope with my new life. It wasn't easy but I slowly picking up my life. For starters I finally joined Mensa and I never thought it would really change my life. I also unexpectedly meet new love.
I know people often say your life begins at 30, and you know what? Maybe it is true.
PART ONE: PUBLIC IMAGE
I met my former partner when we both were 19 and stayed together until we were 30. It was a blissful relationship and we were so content with each other that none of us really cared how we looked. He even refers to his weight gain as signs of prosperity (lol). Honestly I can see why happy couples usually become fat over time; because they're just being happy and enjoying life with each other.
For 10 years while I did have some wardrobe changes and experiment with makeup, I still didn't put much focus on them. I was anything but a fashionista and most of the time I'm either makeup free or with minimal/barely-there makeup. I bought tons of makeup (lipsticks especially), fake/press on nails, fake eyelashes, and contact lens but barely wore them. I usually bought them because I think they're pretty - and - I did think, "Maybe one day I'll wear them".
And one day sure it comes. After I become single I somehow have the urge "to look pretty". I'm unsure why - maybe because I think I need to look good to be back to the market? Maybe. Also maybe because all these years I was actually interested but never bothered because I was so content with the way I am with my partner. Maybe. Despite all these urges, the most I did was start to wear slightly heavier makeup. My wardrobes hardly changed, I'm still rather conservative.
But I realised I significantly began to groom myself after I met my current partner. To be clear, my partner met and dated me when I hardly wear makeup or dress up nicely. Somehow meeting him ignited something I never really felt before; I want to look like a fashionista. I finally did 2 things I had always wanted; highlights and piercings.
I finally did it, I highlighted my hair (blond/yellow instead of the original idea of pink) and had myself 6 ears piercings (3 on each ear). I had never been so happy and satisfied with myself. And the best part is that my partner is totally supportive of my choices.
Next one is the contact lens, fake eyelashes and press on nails. I had my first contact lens (no power, my eyesight still ok, I go for the colors) at 19 but I barely wore them because I was terrible at wearing them and I would waste my time trying to wear them. I'm not exaggerating, telling you each eye can take me 15 mins or more! This year, in 2021 I finally learnt how to wear it with the help of a contact applicator.
As for the fake eyelashes and press on nails, I had been buying them a lot in the mid 2017 because I kept finding them cheap at my favourite thrift store Jalan-Jalan Japan. Only around 2018 I began to learn to wear the fake eyelashes, but for the nails, I despised them because they're uncomfortable. But starting 2020 I began to learn to wear them and now I am completely comfortable with them! Now I have quite a lot of press on nail collections.
The only thing I haven't pursue is having a tattoo due to religious reasons so at the moment I'll stick to temporary tattoo stickers.
After meeting my current partner I also began to experiment with wardrobes. I noticed I had become quite bold and began to show more skin. I did show many skins in the past but mainly I just wore shorts or short skirts. I used to feel uncomfortable showing my upper parts but in recent years I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with my body, especially with my recent weight loss. As I mentioned in my weightloss journey entry, I was never below 65kg after passing 25 so I never bothered trying to lose weight. That is until I meet my current partner. I was 70kg at that time and upon learning of his weight loss journey I became inspired to lose mine. I think me losing weight boosted my confidence with my body thus why now I am more open to experiment with my wardrobes (plus now it's waaaay easier to find clothing).
But I'm not going to lie, part of me sometimes wondered, am I happy with these changes? Are they normal? Or are they too drastic? Another part of me is sometimes unhappy because I felt I didn't show my current partner what I perceived as the real me - the original me. What he is seeing now is the new me. I have mixed emotions; what if he likes me the way I originally was, the way I was when we first meet? Will he like the new me? I do feel suckered if he likes the old me because that was indeed the original me.
PART TWO: SOCIAL MEDIA
One thing my partner one time mentioned upset me. He said he didn't expect me to be someone who shared a lot in Instagram stories. This upset me. This upset me a lot because what he originally perceived me is TRUE. Before we met I hardly used Instagram stories. He was actually right about me. And I want to be that person.
I was upset because I changed and I'm totally unsure how to feel about it. At times I do miss being the one he originally perceived to be; the one who hardly uses Instagram stories. I like the old me but at the same time I am enjoying being the new me.
When Instagram first introduced stories features I even think it's stupid and barely use it.
And then I meet my current partner and for some reason I begin to enjoy using Instagram stories. It all started after I saw him up his story. I don't know why seeing him using the story features ignited my interest. Even to this day I still can't tell why.
I suspected because I finally realised the value of the stories just for 24 hours. Before this I actually spammed Facebook status a lot. I mean, a lot. And sometimes after certain hours or days I would either delete the posts or change the view only to myself. Now that I think about it, isn't it the same as if I'm using story features? Especially when I only want them to stay temporarily? I believe that's why now I use Instagram or Facebook stories more and seldom post statues on Facebook. I think this is the possible logic.
PART THREE: CREATIVE SIDE
Another changes I noticed that now I am more active is speaking up regarding mental illness and disabilities. While I had been casually sharing relevant topics and talking about them candidly since 2014, only now have I become more serious.
I realised now I had become more outspoken and highlighted the issue more often. I even collaborated with several people, something I never thought I would do.
Meeting my current partner also ignited my long lost passion with arts. As a child I dreamt to be a comic artist but over time, working alongside talented people in the art industry slowly took its toll on me and I completely lost my passion with arts. For almost a decade I hardly drew anything on my own, it had always been work related.
Had someone told me years ago that my art Instagram will have thousands of followers and my single art can reach more 5 digits likes, I'll be laughing my ass off. But as for today these are the reality. My current partner, my love, had been a wonderful muse, intentionally or not (most of the time unintentionally haha). Sometimes I would wake up feeling disbelief that I had achieved one of my childhood dreams.
It seems meeting my current partner ignited so many things inside me. Some reignited lost passions and some may have ignited all these years of dormant passions.
Every now and then I often have mixed feelings about my changes. At times I do feel like my changes were drastic and dramatic, there are times I felt like I am becoming someone else. While I feel good about my new self, I sometimes wonder, am I beginning to become someone else? Am I losing my own identity?
But nowadays I start to think I have been overthinking. People change over time and I guess I am changing as I begin to discover and experience new things as I get older. Meeting my current partner who is from a completely different background than me might also have played the role of me wanting to try something new in life. All these years I am surrounded by familiarity and for the first time I am stepping into an unknown zone.
I am indeed changing, and now I need to learn to embrace and welcome them.
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