The pandemic had caused and still causing constant emotional rollercoaster to me.
Living with mental illness means I tends to amplify my emotions, especially on the depression spectrum. My emotions had been very uncontrollable; I can be very happy, having the best day during the day, but later would cry inconsolably to sleep.
After three years into my current relationship, I do feel we finally had things sorted out. The trip to Amsterdam really changed everything, in a good way; I love and cherish all these changes. We hardly bicker anymore, in fact I think we no longer bickering. He become more affectionate, something he barely show before Amsterdam.
Perhaps maybe that's why I feel things become harder for me. I constantly traumatised by the failure of my previous relationship. I am traumatised to love someone so hard only to have them walked away. I traumatised to think I am currently repeating the same mistake, the mistake that cost my previous relationship. The pain is still as fresh as yesterday.
I used to be very optimistic, if not I wouldn't had stayed for ten years. But after the breakup I had become a rather pessimistic person. For ten years my previous partner and I had great times; we didn't drift apart - but rather I feel we become closer as we build our personalities around each other, I feel closer as we growing up from teenagers to adults. Then we just split. The split was amicable, in a sense which is good, but also made it harder for me. Sometimes I wished there was cheating, sometimes I wished we did drifted apart, sometimes I wished I might not love him too much.
With me and my current partner are doing better, I'm slowly getting all these traumatic flashbacks. Maybe my partner was right when he said he feared to let others know he is happy, as he felt someone would come and take them away. Because now I feel the same. I just feel I could not have happiness. I feel like they will eventually be taken away.
I could had had best, loving video calls or text exchanges but rather going to sleep feeling happy, I would often go to sleep crying. I would go to sleep crying, thinking one day I will no longer have all these moments.
I deeply hoping we can end the LDR, by closing the distance, not by splitting. However as time goes by I felt the latter is more probable. Despite seeing we had been good discussion of our situation post Amsterdam, I still be reminded in previous relationship things did look going well until it wasn't at the very end. I do feel hopeless.
Previously I didn't want to have children, a sentiment I shared with my previous partner. But with the current one things changed, he want to have children, I too want to have children. A child of my own. But as I'm getting older, coupled with my health issues, I begin to think that might just fade. Yes I can still adopt, but the dream to have biological children might just gone for good.
I noticed I become extra sensitive when I see older married folks that still in love. It's touching to see even after all the years the love is still as fresh as it was yesterday. And I don't even have to look far, my parents are one of them. I do feel "if I can't get that kind of love, I don't want any then".
I know people would tell me there's other bigger issues to be concern about than just love, I know people would tell me that I should love myself first to be happy. But what if being in love is part what made who I am? I know I can, and had proven I am capable being on my own, I had proven I can live without love. But the thing is, what if I don't want to?
I had long stopped feeling hopeful for the future. I just stop. Rather than being hopeful for the future, I just enjoy the moment. I put low to zero expectations on almost anything and just let things goes with the flow. I think maybe that's why littlest things make me happy, I can be very happy on things people perceives as normal, I can be very happy on things people thinks nothing to be exited about. But when you have no expectations, everything excites you. In a sense it's quite a literal take of "ignorance is a bliss".
I know this is rather unhealthy and I wouldn't recommend anyone to take this approach but so far it works well for me. This is my defence mechanism to prevent myself from being hurt again. This is my defence mechanism to prevent myself from being hurt too deep again.
I had indeed been crying a lot lately.
Comentarios